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Christmas Humor 
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The Night After Christmas
    
    `Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
    The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
    The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
    And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
    
    The kids they weren`t talking to me or my wife,
    The worst Christmas they said they had had in their life,
    My wife couldn`t argue and neither could I,
    So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
    
    When out in the yard the dog started barking,
    I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
    He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
    And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
    
    I said, "Claus, I don`t know nobody named Claus,
    And you ain`t taking me in without probable cause."
    Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
    I said, "That might have been me, just what`s he look like."
    
    The Sheriff replied, "Well he`s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
    That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
    He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
    I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife`s sister Sherri."
    
    "It`s no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
    "The man I`m describing in dressed all in red.
    I`m here for the truth now, it`s time to come clean.
    Tell me what you`ve done, tell me what you`ve seen."
    
    Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
    It wouldn`t have been the first time that I`ve spent New Years in jail.
    I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
    And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
    
    When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
    I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO`s.
    But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
    And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
    
    Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
    A freezer full of venison standing right on Red`s gutter.
    Well my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun,
    When outta Red`s chimney this feller did run.
    
    And slung on his back was this bag over flowing.
    I thought he stolen Red`s stuff while old Red was out bowling`.
    So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
    But he went about his business like he hadn`t a care.
    
    So I popped a warning shot over his head.
    Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
    And as he flew off I heard him extort,
    "That`s assault with intent Roy, I`ll see ya in court."
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