Ivan the peasant promises Gorbachev that he will free Russia of its three greatest problems - alcoholism, the shortage of housing and church-going - in three days.
    
    He managed to do all this. You ask how??? First, by allowing vodka to be freely bought and sold - alcoholics drank themselves to death.
    
    Second, by opening the borders - those who remained had no problem finding a place to live.
    
    And finally by putting a sign up on churches which said "HONOUR THE CENTRAL COMMITEE OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF THE SOVIET UNION" - and the people avoided churches
    
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Gorbachev and Raissa are flying in an aeroplane. Raissa and Gorbachev: "If we threw vodka out of the plane, everybody would kiss our hands and feet." The pilot: "If I threw you two out of the plane, everybody would kiss my ass."
    
    Reagan wants to give Gorbachev a limousine as a present. G. refuses the gift. Reagan suggests paying one dollar for it. Gorbachev has a five-dollar bill. Raissa: "For that money, give us four more limousines."
    
    Gorbachev asks Bush whether the Americans would build a sanatorium in Russia, if they were to be paid in hard currency. - "For hard currency we could even build communism for you."
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A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.
     Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What`s it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
     "That`s terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I`m going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
    "In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
     "But ... but that`s the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
    "True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don`t have oil, sometimes we don`t have knives ..."
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